I am still here. One month later and I am still here; devastated. Is this going to get easier? Last night I cried myself to sleep and I woke up in tears again. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t want to be around anyone and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything but being sad. I’m getting to be very efficient at being sad.
I have moments where I say to myself “He is never coming back.” and then all the air goes sweeping out of my chest and I feel dizzy at the thought of it. How can this be?! My every worst fear in life has come true with the loss of Nelson. I feel like I may never be okay again. I know rationally that today is extra hard because we’ve reached the one month milestone…. but really each day is a milestone worth saying out loud. Each day without him is one more I wish I didn’t have to face. The idea of doing this forever is so overwhelming.
It’s been a rough week. As I write this, it is Friday. NelsonCooper is with Ava for the weekend. I took him to our halfway meeting point yesterday. It has been really hard being apart from him. He called last night and left me a message because he was sad. We facetimed at 11pm. He told me that he had been texting Nelson’s phone number. He has been crying a lot this week. He goes to his room and just weeps. I have also heard him through his closed-door talking to Nelson Oscar. It is the sort of raw hurt you never want to see your child experiencing. I can’t fix this. Nelson will no longer be the sweet boy who was untouched by deep hurt ever again. I suspect I will be angry about this at some point. It is not fair. Judd and I had a conversation earlier this week about it and we acknowledge that we need to bring our best parenting to the table right now because the way we help him through this will make all the difference. We have the potential to lose Nelson right now – to put him on the road of a sad, glum adolescent without the emotional tools to deal with all that has happened. I don’t want that. I hate it is a possibility.
Nelson has begun his therapy sessions. It has been quite a kick in the teeth for me. His therapist makes me feel judged. She asked me if I was second guessing the decision to tell Nelson that Uncle Nelson had hung himself because in her words “Eight year olds have hung themselves”. I fell apart. My friend, Chris reminded me that I have no experience dealing with these things and I am doing the best I can. I can’t second guess myself. What’s done is done. Nelson is angry about going to counseling. He says he thinks his sadness is private and only for the family. He also got very angry that this woman told him he didn’t have to take care of me. She’s not the God BOSS OF ME he said. #truth.
I keep ruminating about change. The fact that this has changed me. I am changed. I am in the process of changing. I know the desirable thing is to try to harness the changing process and find myself somewhere healthy when the changing is done but the fact remains this has been a trauma and trauma has a way of yanking the best changing plans out of your hands and flinging them to a place outside of your reach or control. And that is where I find myself now; feeling out of control. I went to work today to update my computer. I am due to go back to work next Thursday. I don’t want to go back. I am not ready. When I pulled into the parking lot I felt like I might vomit in my car. I was in tears most of the hour and a half I was there. All I could talk about with my colleagues is Nelson. I know that won’t always be the case and I know the prevalent logic is to get back to your normal routines as quickly as you can to ‘distract’ yourself. But why is that the way to heal? Why is that the way to move through the darkest days of my life?
This writing is a mess. It is as unfocused as I am. Enough for now. I miss you Nelson. Very, very much.